Empty Nest Syndrome

There is a phrase used for when children get old enough to move out on their own – it's called empty nest.  The term perhaps suggests that the home they've been raised in is a nest -  a small, cozy, painstakingly built structure perched precariously in a high spot. When they leave this home it will presumably be spacious and quiet, and revert back to an empty space that's no longer lived in.

But in truth it's so much more complicated.

The month of August is traditionally the month many young people leave their family homes to begin new adventures. Whether it is going off to college, marriage, or just moving to their first new home of their own, things are changing.

They are at a point in their lives when they no longer need their parents in the same ways they used to. They are spreading their wings to fly, which for the parents they leave behind can be a good thing and a bad thing.  As they soar off into their new adventure many parents are left with that phrase — empty nest — and all that comes with it.

"The way I conceptualize it is that you have spent your life raising children – you've at least got 18 years in," explained Dr. Linda Odom, D.O. Ph.D. "And, if you have more than one child, you have been doing this for quite awhile. Your life begins to revolve – you and your spouses' – around the child, what they need and getting them taken care of so they can go off to school or off to whatever they are going to do in there life. When they are all of a sudden gone, then it is – ‘What are you going to do now?'  They have been such a focus and center of your life that you've forgotten your own interests and sometimes even your relationship with your spouse has been separated as you revolve around the children. Suddenly, you are faced with this person that you really probably haven't spent a lot of time with over the years."

Empty Nest Syndrome, according to Dr. Odom, is a feeling of emptiness felt by parents, now that the children are gone.

"It's sort of a lost feeling, which can result in depression," she said. "It is not, however, always clinical depression. It is a feeling of anxiety or suffering. Sometimes just talking about it can see you through or confiding in a friend who has been through it, who can give you good advice. You don't always have to see a doctor to take care of it. You may have to see a doctor, but I'm sure the majority of the cases don't actually require a physician, perhaps just a therapist, spiritual counselor or friend."

The beginnings of Empty Nest Syndrome don't always show up as their feet leave the threshold of your door.

"Empty Nest Syndrome actually starts before they leave, when they begin to show signs of independence," Dr. Odom said. "That, I believe, is always hard for a parent to deal with, because they think of children as being these cuddly little things that are supposed to love you. You nurture them and they respond with gratefulness. When they don't do that, it's kind of shocking to the system."

The cure for Empty Nest Syndrome can also begin early.

"One suggestion is to start before to do things before they leave such as getting into a class yourself, getting involved with a hobby, take on a new job, get involved with various organizations – anything to get you out of the home and back into your life as they prepare to go to their lives," Dr. Odom said. "You and your partner may need to reconnect, relearn about each other and find yourselves again. Discover once again what you like to do. I would say start early, perhaps in the last year of high school for your oldest child. Get busy with your own life. Find interests that will keep you busy outside of the children. What you have to learn is that raising your children is not your primary job anymore. You have succeeded in raising your children and they are off on their own. You have to find something else to fill that void."

In her local psychiatry practice, Dr. Odom says Empty Nest Syndrome is not the primary reason that patients see her.

"It may have come up in the course of treating someone for another illness that they also had to then deal with the Empty Nest Syndrome, but that is usually not the primary reason they seek me out for treatment," she added.  "It is important to note, however, that if you have major depression anyway and you go through Empty Nest Syndrome, it could trigger a relapse of your major depression. And, I'm not so sure that all by itself Empty Nest Syndrome could lead someone to go into major depression if they didn't already have a predisposition to go there anyway."

Empty Nest Syndrome isn't rare.

"I would imagine Empty Nest Syndrome is common," Dr. Odom said. "I think it does, however, depend on how much your world has revolved around the kids. For instance, if you have a two-family income and mom is also working while raising the kids, when they go off, she still has her job as part of her identity. I would imagine that it would be harder for a full-time, stay-at-home mom when raising the children is all they do. When the child part is gone – they might find more emptiness in that situation."

There is some good news to this syndrome.

"When you succeed as a parent your children don't need you as much when they grow up," Dr. Odom said. "They go off and they can be independent. That means you've done it right. The hard part is realizing they don't need you as much – that's kind of painful."